HOLY SHIT I'M DONE WITH THE JAVASCRIPT. Anyways, this week was hectic as fuck (writing this on a saturday) and I don't want to go over to the next. Alot to unpack but let's start with me being a Class Officer. In the US you guys have the student government which I think is for the whole school? It's more self contained over here. For each class there is a president, vice president, secretary and etc. I am the secretary and I almost wish I weren't. At the very beginning of school when I was still anxious about even GOING, I mustered up the confidence and bravado to present to the whole class on why I deserved that spot.. But I think the pictures I brought to my presentation carried.
But it doesn't even matter now holy moly!!! I keep making mistakes. I know someone else could have been a better secretary. I applied because I wanted to "learn on the job", "make new friends" (HAHAHHAHAHAHHA) and have extra responsibilities. Because going to class isn't as loaded as it is.
Making new friends? I made enemies!! It's not that serious, but I swear. The Vice President (i drew her in the back of the intro thing) and the Peace Officer (their job is to shut the class up) started a COUP against the president. They asked about my opinion regarding the president being "too nice". The following days, they set up a meeting with all the officers and show everyone a list of the new officers.
The Vice President had elected herself for president (later on she would say it's because she's the one who works the hardest) and we all held a vote for the.. vice president. What? I was also removed from the list.
The next day, I went up to my teacher. I opened with "Ma'am, it's important for a free country to be devoid of corruption, right?" She understandably said yeah in a very confused/concerned tone. She verified that I and the president weren't supposed to be kicked out like that. STRANGE! I was feeling very nervous (and also lonely) so a few tears popped up and I asked for tissues but she called the president and the vice president right away. I don't know how obvious those tears were and I hope they weren't!!!
Her reasoning for removing me was kind of valid. I was "not working hard enough" and "rude to the peace officer that one time". Embarrassingly, when a teacher asked me to list the people who hadn't done their work, I only listed the names because I was told to. It's common knowledge to list the names and the pendings. Maybe I lack common sense because I was homeschooled for most of middle school and a year of highschool. Unfortunate! I know it's a reason but not an excuse but come on hear me out. Also, she felt that I had bad blood against the Peace Officer because when he called me out for this I said "JEEZ SORRY! SHE TOLD ME TO WRITE THE NAMES ONLY!!" (approximated from tagalog to english). Not my greatest social move
The final nail in the coffin was that "I complained about being told off for cutting the line" I did not. I was complaining about Mr. Peace Officer for cutting the line after telling me off for doing so. Again, horrible memory, but I'm pretty sure he went up to the VP to do that too. Lol
That day I forgot to wear my ID and necktie and then some other officer (there are ten of us) made an announcement to always wear your full uniform so I'm pretty much dead. Dead as FUCK!!!!
Also, the president who said "the new list was, ehh, fine" said that she didn't like the list after I took the initiative to tell the teacher. No shade it was very hard for me (re: the tearing up) but it was something I noticed!
My life could be a plot but at what cost. Honestly I just want a friend group so I can tell them "lol this shit sucks" and we'd hang out afterwards in a mall but I won't christen you with a paragraph about my loneliness and/or my ex friend group because explaining all of THAT is long enough. Thank you for reading through the whole thing :)

Another strong contender for today's comic:
1st panel is me running up the stairs, wiping tears
2nd panel, a classmate asks me if I'm okay
3rd panel, I say yes
4th panel, he says "She's not okay guys :-0"
I decided not to because that sadly didn't happen today. This comic is more specific but it's kind of funnier! Anyways, VP and Peace Officer. Again. Always them. They asked me to apologize to my ESP (which is kind of a funny subject) teacher, which of course I did. Because I knew in my heart that she wasn't angry! They still used that against me which did make me feel worse but the gratification of the teacher saying "I wouldn't get made about that! It's not a big deal! Do you want me to talk to them?" was worth it! Then they made me feel worse AGAIN by reminding me that I was a bad secretary. Ah, life
I noticed they (VP & PO because of course) were doing my job for me. I wanted to give up right then and there because 1. fine guys you can do it better than me 2. go nominate your friend because I'm sure as fuck not making any friends here 3. this job is giving me more stress than it is worth. I only fought for my rights because the president wasn't and I didn't want to be in a world where the VP elected herself as President and WON.
So I did my job, but shittily. I'm sorry for being homeschooled levels of common-unsense but you guys nominated me for my charms and wiles and unless the teacher says so I'm staying here. Hopefully! Just, come on please tell me what the fuck I'm doing wrong so I can be better rather than calling Mister Auditor (fuck do they even do) to do my job for me. With better handwriting. Sad!
Anyways.... onto the topic of today's comic. Let's call him This Guy. I'm pretty sure This Guy has a crush on me because his weird ass behaviour will never convince me otherwise.
-He came up to me during math "help me Andrew" I said no he said "ok" then touched me for a weird second on my arm before leaving he did not have to do that.
-I was at another group in tle to look at a yummy cake and bro blocked my way as he kept asking me if i wanted to taste it. Like what are you playing FOOTBALL? And other such events....
Today I decided to reject or maybe dissuade him in a kind of mean way (spoilers the comic) but I couldn't help myself. When he went behind me in a line, I suddenly said "auuuh ImscaredImscared aaaaaa" then squeezed myself into the place in front. Not my best move. He was looking solemnly out of the window after that!
It's 10PM and I have to go to school at 6am tomorrow and I have like two quizzes two projects and a checking of notebooks. Fuck the first subject is AP so we (we as in my group because this is a group quiz. wtf?) won't even have time to review HA HA HA HA HA. Thanks for reading but I think I'll have to head out now!!

I guess people don't dislike me as much as my brain leads me to think but also I don't even know how to hold a conversation. The officers held a meeting and I was just listening to them like a podcast. I keep trying to talk to the president but I don't think I can hold a conversation with her for that long? Sad! The Treasurer (officer who handles class funds) went up to me and so we talked for like a little but damn.
Today I did a collaborative quiz which was kinda dumb. 22/30 because some of my teammates are a lil silly! Monogamy is apparently the new monotheism. I am in no place to judge because damn if they tested my filipino like that i'd die. Fail. I guess I fit in with The Boys because after getting a question right after my team's repeated failures I got the pleasure of doing those bro handshakes except I did it more like a high five. Metaphor for me not knowing jack shit about either side i guess.
Another highlight, some guy i kinda like accidentally got my book. I flipped the book over because I somehow knew it was mine and we laughed over it. I don't know why but he was hollering!!
On the topic of TG and romantic interest haha what oh my god❤❤❤ I swear!!!!!!!!!!!!! is he doing this on purpose bro!! IDK he is singing in my ear like an angel (no he isn't) what is that a SIGN OF. Hash tag got informed he used to have a ??? It was worded like "He had a crush on you" past tense and I know he's interested in some other girl who is interested in some other guy so wow very interesting. I have 2 quizzes tomorrow. I'm done with 2/4 of my projects. Yay? That's why I need to go now, thanks for reading
(SINCE EXAMS ARE COMING UP I WILL BE BANNED FROM ACCESSING THE INTERNET SO THERE GOES MY THREE DAY STREAK)

I think this entry is just me pining for some dude it's over youre free to skip this (and an irl picture. WOW)
It's over. Then it begins. Then it's over again. Then it begins again and I'm Sisyphus rolling up that stupid boulder (one must imagine me happy) because oh my god today was. One of the days of all time!!
Started kind of dejected because I felt silly for buying 20pesos worth of candy and fumbling asking for it but we ball. The suffering was NOT for nothing because I as a presentor am KILLING IT. My louder than average voice carried!! I was thriving, asking questions, giving out candy for the prize (people liked that because duh) and et cetera. The teacher said "This is simply all I want from a presentation from you guys!" and gave me chocolate afterwards (it melted so I gave it to a friend)
I SWEAR. I FUCKING SWEAR THIS DUDE I SWEAR. I SWEARRRR I SWEAR THIS DUDE. So I'm presenting right, and of course he asks for candy and I'm like "Okay fine a question just for you" and I ask "Who was the president in the Time of Unrest" and I swear everyones hands shot up because that was in the most recent lesson. He took a good second to think but he answered and I gave him the chocolate (GUESS WHICH FUCKING BRAND. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) I SWEAR!!!!!
You guys (like two of you) are NOT ready for this. So the next class, since we had nothing to do the teacher let us use our phones and god. GOD. I just need maybe this year to grow and develop as a person so I know how to actually talk to people. He asked me "damn what is that game" i said "a fighting game" end of interaction. What was I supposed to do. But the cycle perpetuated and I SWEAR. Then he played some music (heavy metal) in my ear like okay! Cool! So I went to some friends and I was like "Guys i can't do this anymore MISS KO NA SYAAA" (Translation: I miss them, common romantic implication) and they got me to say his name and gave me tips and I honest to god, was not going to put them in use, but I went back. ERM.
The stars aligned for this picture to happen because wow nobodys faces are showing (tag that aesthetic) so stranger on the internet behold:

I LOVE THEM FOR CAPTURING THIS IMAGE. THANK YOU GUYS. I don't know what happened I swear that haircut is kind of goofy but it is what it is. Anyways after I talked to my friends and went back to my chair (mind you him and his friend were behind my chair and I went to my friends at the back because I was getting overwhelmed (How funny/sad/concerning/foreshadowy will this be in the future)) I didn't go directly to my chair. I forgot the exact sequence of events but I know I was just standing there and listening to their goofy antics. Was his homie (I confessed to him that I liked his friend. somehow) a real one for doing this because he said he had to pee but was he hanging out in the room, i don't remember because we were focused on looking through his gallery.

His friend went back and was like "hey get out of my chair" and I lowkey did not want to but also I did because interaction of that level for a time will probably kill me so I went back to my friends and they showed me the image above. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah
The rest of the day was fine, the math teacher kept kind of ignoring me after I kept raising my hand I still don't know if it's personal (are you kidding probably not)
At the end of the day he and I were beside eachother in a line so he said "bag check" or something and opened a ton my my bags. Huh? Then he like greeted a bunch of other people and it's natural since I'm a transferee but ingroup of friends alert
Quick mention of english/tagalog because when speaking either i think your personality actually changes. Maybe or maybe but maybe, I'm just being delusional (if you read through this entire thing you would say i am) but I've noticed when he speaks tagalog vs english something changes. My man is kind of an englishero (you could say conyo but are not we all) like me (trying to fix that and his buddy keeps ragging on my accent I swear I'm trying to fix that). You know talking tagalog would obviously make your peers more open to you and that's the kind of vibe I get (popular) but when he speaks english he's just goofy. The voice change too is crazyyy.
Wow I should not be talking this long about one guy (deranged behavior. Very important information to omit but this dude has said he has a crush on some girl(pronouns on discord changed to her name lmao) who has a crush on some other dude so he changed his description to "ang aga ng pagkarelapse ko ah" or damn have I relapsed early. To whom have you relapsed early. His buddy said he had (IMPORTANT. PASTE TENSE HAD) a crush on me (ive only been in this school for months so that's really very recent, uh) so it complicates things. Or maybe it doesn't because this is just pining but if I'm learning the ukelele (no I'm not/i have not. yet.) for this i think it deserves the title) I have projects to do. Thanks for reading this specific entry, your prize is the image :P

I should reuse that Sisyphus thing (check out the previous entry) again. Because that was the mantra for today playing in my head. Jesus "miss ko na sya" more like "miss ko maging honors student" i SWEAR. Just because he entertains you does not mean anything more is going on!! Still complaining about being socially inept because whatthefuck am I bad. I don't know. I'm not even that angry anymore about the officers lowkey excluding me because if they want that, fine I'll do my own thing and fill my own duties for the teacher and the President. I guess. If I have to rely on this one guy to give me dopamine or the like to carry me through school I am so cooked. i'm done with 3/4 of my projects but i got 20/30 on the filipino quiz. Am I going off too strong? I swear I keep looking at him. I need a hairclip because my wolf cut keeps turning into some freak hairstyle. I don't know I'm just a little tired. I have a(nother) collaborative quiz tomorrow this time in math. The teacher keeps picking me when I get the answers wrong and I'm doing shittily. I should study now see you thank you for reading. Short entry today (hint: Tired)

Exams are like tomorrow wow. A ha ha
Maybe a first quarter retrospective would be nice because I am so TIRED!!!! Today, I started off with the "it's so over" mindset. For the first few hours I was seriosuly lamenting about how "I suck as a secretary, why are these officers like this" (even though a day ago i thought i was over that) and how "wtf i am so bad at socially interacting I am so awkward :/" but it all went up in the last few hours. Before that though class was so fucking annoying. The Vice President cooked up some "review game" for AP but it was basically those tiktok "one step foward if you're correct" thing that only included two people so it was really hard to be engaged unless you were in their friend group or was interested in class shipping. Which I wasnt either. VP then proceeded to say "Everyone who falls asleep is gonna participate next >:-/" No they aren't.
After that horrible class, we finally had Science. The teacher lowkey gave us permission to dick around on our phones because that's all the class was even if she said "Phones are only for reviewing!" There was a bunch of people grouped around her in the teachers table and he/him was there too so you know I had to stay. I don't really remember the sequence of events but we just messed with her I guess. And by with her i do mean WITH her because she was getting in on the fun too (playing billiards on tgf's phone and adding us on facebook)
So he/him (Okay is that gonna be his nickname from now on? Nah) was pulling up 'sparring videos' of him and his buddies beating eachother up (strong word) and most of the conversation literally had nothing to do with me. I was listening to them like a podcast which was nice because honestly not talking for a while and just existing around other people is pretty cool.
I was also staying, however, because I swearrrrrr the contact was insane. This is so like minor but the homeschooled quarantined hasn't-touched-grass-in-a-while girl in me was going insane for leg to leg. HA HA HA WHAT IS THAT SENTENCE. I swear he kicked/nudged me with his knee I don't even fucking know what that meant I don't know. Also I think after that or something he was sniffing alcohol (the sanitizing one) and was like "damn this is strong you should try it" and we both had a laugh about it. I guess AGHDHASHDJASHJKD
I'm on the fence about it being over or beginning because I don't know he went up to me and we talked about chips (Lore: To more accurately grade recitation they give out physical paper "chips" as proof you recited) and I lowkey swatted his friend away but was free to giving him mine and he almost ripped it off but said "Nah i'm too pussy" okay bro like Okay. I love your accent and how you speak
Anyways, his friend is nice to talk to. I'm closer to him but maybe that's cause 1. I don't have a crush on him 2. He's in the seat adjacent to me. After I revealed my crush he revealed his and he keeps flexing on me that he's in her DMs and they've been talking for hours straight even though he sometimes replies with the basic ass "ok" or "i dont know what to reply to that". Huh? Man I get it you're LUCKIER!!! I swear please bro be my wingman but also don't. I appreciate this kind of bro talk we have about this even though I'm she/her-ing it up irl yay :-p
I should be studying for the exam in three days but I wrote this in the name of archival. I should probably be like wyd in his dms or something because i swear 2023 went by so fast (october already) and I only have so much time here before I switch to senior highschool and college. THANK you for sitting through that

I'm not even supposed to update on the weekends but sometimes the cycle perpetuates and you have to. Yesterday I attended a shitty halloween event but it was okay, I got alot of candy. I was thinking, "Hey where else in the Philippines do you have halloween parties?" and hypocritical coming from me, i know, but the amount of english i heard made me question things a little. The contrast between this sheltered subdivision and the outside world is crazy :-0
OKAY VERY FUNNY, picked up the ukulele and the first song I learned was Creep.. What the hell am I doing here?? Right amount of irony to make me not feel ashamed but also I do wish I was speciallllllllllllllll LOL (eye twitch)
Anyways the first draft of this script I wrote yesterday late at night was very detailed about what happened with my ex-friend group. Basically four became three and it was like that for a good two years until we split up. Why? Discord vent channels and me trying to be the number one friend/therapist. We all had seperate vent channels (Don't) but this one friend, KK, posted there like every two days I swear. Their life in genuinely bad so sorry but damn was I not equipped to deal with that! One look at our dms and it's basically just "Sorry. Sorry. I love you /p!! Are you okay? Sorry. I love you /p!" A little weird! Conversations were getting more and more stilted and I didn't want to put in said effort anymore because I knew at that point that it wasn't going to be returned. The cipher decodes to "you don't know how badly I want to kill myself" following the #wholesome message above. Okay!
A week after my return to school, he sent me this note. At this point there's no going back from giving your bffsie :3 a letter including the sentences "you just let me cry" and "i still want to kill myself." He's still in the same class as me so it's a little awkward! I could go in his general direction and he'll make way like the red sea. I don't have COVID bro it's ok
The other friend is alright but we're growing distant. The general theme of this year may be me and my general disconnect from my peers! (OH MY GOD HA HA HA LIVE UPDATE HE JUST JOINED THE SCHOOL DISCORD SERVER. I think I should just ban myself from that app at this point even if I get to miss out on voicecalls that I barely get to participate in :heart:) I will bitch and moan until the end of time about how covid and isolation and my englishero status and blah blah blah got me to this state where I get so drained just by talking to people. I'll still try my best to I don't know connect to the people I'm supposed to be friends with but lol am I tired whoo wee! i am so tired. I should probably just accept my status as a floater or some other silly and restricting term. Insert another rant about he/him (stupid nickname) and his stupid conyo-isms and how I should just move on. SORRY IF YOU READ THROUGH ALL OF THAT. Thanks!

New hairstyle. I was getting tired of my hair falling flat and looking weird so that's my new default for now! Oh my god why haven't you/i updated in so long now your/my streak is ruined?? Exams. Exams and performance tasks and everything else. I got a 40/50 on the AP test so that's.... FINE. Tomorrow we only have two subjects, Math and TLE. Math is easy (I'm just careless) and TLE is fine, not reviewing for that. Anyways I am so bad at talking but it's fine we all learn how to grow past the basic yeah/no/awkward silence!
The amount of beef my ex friend has with me is silly, also. I guess this is what happens when the 'friendship destined to be in all multiverses' (last entry for further context) is suddenly not meant to be in THIS universe. SAD! He was added (back) to the school server and has been vagueing me ever since.

Okay, not gonna start sleuthing to figure out if these statements really mean anything. I'm gonna be banned from the internet if I have a grade below 90 (Not the holistic average, if I'm shit at a certain subject I'm cooked) but you know what that's good. Someone release me from this prison! I could complain about some other stuff but then I remember every teenager has gone through said stuff at one point.
Okay so Kramer, Enrico's (NAME DROP..... hahahaha his name is so) friend, I swear to god. He goes into my DMs every day just to flex about how he can actually make a move with the girl of his dreams and how she likes him back and blah, blah, blah. I get it, you're fortunate. Trust me I will be too just give it time. A year. Next grade will be my peak for real. I just remembered, but he also sent me a video of. <:-/ NOTHING WAS SHOWING BUT THEY WERe in the bathroom.. Draining the snake? GOD FUCKING DAMN IT i confronted him about it and he was like "Haha yeah he's in the bathroom doing his business LOL" OKAY.
Today a friend asked me if she was my emotional support friend and whoops. I don't know if that has that much of a negative connotation to her but it does to me and yeah I HAVE been ranting to her alot. Something something friend therapists idk. I do know I'm gonna tone it down though?
I'm basically spitting things out to kind of lengthen this one out but to be honest other than exams and maybe generally being drained nothing too major has happened. Just give it time (will pass anyways). Thanks for reading @_@

I'm so done with exams!! Both literally and figuratively. The math exam was questionable and I don't really care about TLE because most of the grade is weighted on our performance tasks anyways. We (my group) baked a pretty okay cake for that one. it was purple.
This is what happens when you're simply built different or something but damn the jealousy i felt when I saw Enrico and his friend messing around. I'd probably be more like Kramer (funny how I'm just name dropping now because be for real whos gonna use that) if I were born as a guy but something in me longs for the type of friendships these dudes have! I'm kind of in the circle of boys more than the circle of girls, but not really since I'm a girl. Conundrum
I'm still learning the ropes socially so it could just be that. Implying they're more inept which is kind of true if you think about the gen alpha/gen z lingo they use. sticking your what out for the rizzler!!!! No.
My seatmate, who I was hoping to copy off of (sadly he's only good at recitation) keeps speaking english at me. Maybe a few years back I would have found this a little demeaning but now I don't know. He's just practicing?? He still said "Lol forgot you were filipino tho" but I don't sense any malintent. Malicious intentions
I tried assimilating to this one group of relatively internetcore group of girls, I'm acquaintances with most of them already, but the problem is none of them are my classmates and I'm not sure if that was a weird move or not. It probably isn't. I then walked home to see one of them so we had a short conversation. I still don't know if my tagalog is off because Kramer keeps making fun of me for it but I don't hear anything from anyone. I should probably take the conyopill and be like "hey guys let's make tusok tusok the fishball. wait wag guys it's still init......" HAHAHAHAHA

Talked to the president/Akeisha and okay that was draining but also cool (what's cool is the amount of new images of him i have. and a video). I finally have someone to talk about Enrico to that isn't Kramer I swear to god that little shit. Today was okay.
Special shoutout to the person who commented on my site :3 I got an email about it during class and it kept me going! I'm glad I have proof in my head that someone else has been reading this. That reminds me to branch out my website to other things, I'll probably release that (or start working on it ha ha ha) when my report cards come in and I don't get banned from the internet. THANK YOU :))))

I debated adding this entry because I couldn't think of a comic but fuck it this is my website.
Anyways shoutout to frugality for being the most lit and or hype section! Compared to like modesty and fidelity (Yeah yeah goofy ass names) apparently we partied the hardest. For context after exams (finally) we still had to go to class, sadly, to check our test papers. I got 40/50 on Filipino, 42/50 on ESP and 48/50 on MAPEH. At least they're all at least forty!! Even sadder is the fact that we had to party afterwards. Fidelity probably had a nice party judging by the fact that they were intruding into other sections but observations have been made in general that their section is never seen outside of their class? The news from modesty is that they just checked the other sections test papers and ate for like 30 minutes as a party. sad! They couldn't even participate in the costume show-off event because their teacher was pretty pissed that other sections were barging in. Which is a shame because my friend had a banger ant costume. if furries are furries and scalies are scalies what would you call that? I'll leave that to the community
Okay if our party was so great how was it?? Objectively it was cool, probably the highlight of it all was when someone taped a phone to the ceiling to record something and then we all went in a circle and hyped up the person who was in the middle. I don't know if i should post the video but it was silly.
To close this off my dad said I should enjoy my highschool life. Okay bitch cool it with the proverbs I WANT TO!! i sooooo badly want to be normal and well adjusted and to not be socially inept and i knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww covid stunted my ass and i know ill eventually learn how to be with people but I am not enjoying it right now. I kind of am because when I hang out with people it's like haha yay but its weird. Im probably thinking too much about it but yeah I should make an effort to talk more to people I swear I get so drained. One school year plan to get good at tagalog so I can finally be the social butterfly I was born to be or something. At the end it was only officers and I know people dont care if I don't talk (if they do then that's weird as fuck) but you know I want to be a part of the conversation too. So I should talk. Easier said than done :I ALso DI NAKO AASA HAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH I st g !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im delusional and craycray. But you know thats fair because at this point in time while i appreciate myself I wouldn't like-like me either? Idk I'll change hopefully. That last paragraph was crazy thanks for getting through that

It is new naive november which is 2 months away from 2024 how are we feeling. fiiiine? tired right
The vacation I just had because the break week so happened to align with my brother's birthday wasn't that eventful, however, the sum of it deserves an entry. First of all it was pretty cool. Hotdogs cost 250 pesos over there so you know it's supposed so be a nice place. It was very walkable which I took advantage of and had an early morning walk around the block for 6 out of the 7 days we were there. Literally around because the place was built around a lake so the path was a huge circle, with the northmost point leading to a beach. I stayed there late at night too because why waste an opportunity like that. I swear rolling on the sand was very grounding and therapeutic- I don't think I've ever felt more real? I was rolling around because GOD!!!!!!!
So why the hell was i rolling on the sand other than the natural, human urge to do so? Its the same reason why I also walked to the sea and just stayed there like that horse (man) (pictured above) because I can NOT catch a break from socializing. Don't get me wrong I want to do it but I am drained and clueless! Socializing here means being dmed because somehow that also sucks the soul out of me despite being very chronically online. You have to understand there is a difference between me being locked in a room with 2 socially inept people for 3 years (Being in a group chat) vs me walking into the elevator with an acquiantance who wants to make small talk (dms). Moreover, maybe the acquaintance in the elevator is the guy that apparently (i use this word like i dont have proof ) has mutual interest lmao. Even if this becomes a situation that would make me hurl I have a few things to learn from that guy. Mainly, how to talk to people, like how he just mirrors what I say then I feel inclined to respond (I have a really bad habit of leaving people on read because I overthink my response) and etc.
So sometimes you just need to throw your phone into the sand and walk into the ocean before returning! And sometimes in the morning when you're more rational you start an audiodiary while walking to act as your own problem solving therapist. Revelations include:
"I should talk more in the officer gc because that's easier than irl but also is a way to connect with those bitches (sorry i have to say that because i think the mild distrust is mutual. VP dmed Akeisha/the president about the stupid fucking coup incident yesterday in which i just asked Ms. Monica if that was even allowed. "It was only a draaaaaft" I KNOW. But I also wanted to know if the idea in general was allowed which only Ms. Monica can answer! I would say that to them but it feels like beating a dead horse which they momentarily revived. Talk to me!!!!!! I don't know if I'm coming off as weird (maybe I am, i'm still salty about that incident in the 1st entry where i made the mistake to ask those guys if they needed help. I was stared at with no response but my bad, maybe i should have said it in tagalog) Can we just communicate with eachother jeez. I kinda get scared of akeisha when she goes president mode in my dms but otherwise shes very nice to talk to which maybe I can apply to them, too, so I just hope they reciprocate the feeling.)"
and "I should maybe branch my circle out even if it's scary because I'm literally my age so people wont remember my mistakes and when I go to where it really matters I'll not be socially inept lol"
IDK!!! Tomorrow is sunday. One day of preparation before I go back to school. yaaaaaay :-| I still haven't received my grades, [insert the things I have to do as an officer], and I'm missing my science notebook. BEST YEAR OF THIS DECADE SO FAR, and maybe I'm not joking because I don't want to go back and rot. Spoilers for a could-be unrelated update; I was a discord moderator for a very active server about weirdcore and the owner turned out to be a very suspicious figure in hindsight :-$ Also I know you want to know: what's up with that dead-link shrine? I couldn't work on it because I didn't bring my laptop but I promise it'll be cool. It's about a webcomic(who would've thought, with my homestuck ass artstyle) that progressively gets better over time, i promise (because it does not start out great, mainly the "humor"). THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME YAYYYY

High school is killing me by Starkid is stuck in my head. Nerdy prudes must die the musical is so good (didn't finish it yet tho) and I'm upset (she) died even if it was lowkey very obvious from the beginning that she was gonna die. In another universe she's okay!!! We got our ID pictures today and they.. were not the greatest. But Today was GOOD. It was nothing mindbendingly euphoric, in fact it started like shit because I had to deal with the officer group and them lowkey ignoring me (is my voice too quiet. lol) but it increasingly got better. In a class of 44, I have to remind myself that there's people to befriend outside of those damn officers. Later that day they needed my help in math because guess what I got the HIGHEST SCORE AHAHAHA (45/50 in science too. highest in my class). Or I did until they rechecked the test and now I'm tied with the president. I'll take that win any time of the day though. Anyways, I was reminded of the other chill people that existed in class. Hashtag academic girlies i guess! After some pondering I came to the conclusion that if I just get good at filipino I'm all set in my highschool life. Because I literally know if I was dropped into some english speaking school I'd be way better off socially. But it is what it is and it's a shame not to be good at your mother tongue so this year (and the next because wtff only 2 months until 2024 HAAHAHAHHAaa) maybe I'll focus on that. I said "Libre moko" (treat me to food for free) as a joke with this one girl and she actually gave me fries too. She also got a prize in the art contest and I am so sorry but I really could have won if I didn't take the shock factor route. I'll show it here when it's given to me but you have to trust me that I would have won if they didn't have to show this to gradeschoolers/the general public.
Warning for annoying talk about Enrico in this paragraph because goddamn. Yesterday I was in a voicechat with my pre-covid bffsie4eva and I had to drop the bomb onto them. I had to drop the "I have a thing for Enrico" in the voicecall because they knew I had a thing for someone but they didn't know who the someone was!! It basically went like:
Me: I KNOW. I KNOW IT's suprising and shocking but you have to understand... I literally get why you would react in that way though
Them: (On mute for a good while, occasionally unmuting to reveal laughter)
They said it was like an out of body experience when I said that because apparently they have beef with him. Lore, they went outside of school in the middle of class (how.) to go to an Alfamart which is like 7/11 but worse. They made the mistake to show it off with receipts and they got in trouble because HE snitched on them. I have respect for them as a school wanderer because now people get called to drag them back to class. Couldn't be me because I'm a stickler for the rules sorry. Apparently he also ignored them like they were a ghost when they confronted him about being a snitch. I get the struggle (1st entry reference)!!
Now with all that shit being talked there is no way I have anything better to say but DAMN!!!!! GODDAMN!!!!!!!!!!! This is a MUTUAL thing I am NOT delusional. OKAY. I'm not even a little bit crazy I literally know. Like I'm gonna be for real that eye contact is literally the best eye contact I have ever experienced. 😋 OK. I was worried about it being different than chatting because if chatting online was hard for me then what about Talking in Real Life. But it was OK. OKAY!!!!!!! You have to remember this is the first day back to school since the week break. It being MUTUAL developed during the break. So ok. #MANIFESTING I GET TO BE BESIDE HIM IN THE 2nd qtr SEATING ARRANGEMENT. plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz akeisha can you tell ma'am i'll be a good influence to him. It was promised!!! Like idec anymore. Is it delusional if he keeps going near me. Is it delusional if Akeisha is telling me he's begging her to get us to be seatmates. Is it delusional if my guy is talking about our conversations to her while smiling?? Akeisha is my best inside man for fucking real. I'm just into him!!! I should be normal about this. Thanks for getting through that. About my website, I'm pretty satisfied with the general flow of things. I can update pretty easily. However, looking at other people's cool ass sites and diaries reminds me I can do alot more. I hope I can work on things the next break lmao

It's fucking OVER for me. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Ok so first of all, 42/50 in math; 48/50 in MAPEH and 45/50 in science. Those are all my good scores. Can I please just get academic validation because socially I'm doing so bad. I am legitimately so disappointed we didn't do any learning today and it was just homeroom. Can we not do that anymore plz and thank you I want to start reciting!!! Someone seal my status as a floater because I can't do this anymore l.o.l. out loud. Why am I so socially awkward!!! I think we know. Okay enough doomposting maybe I just have to learn tagalog. Like legitimately learn it with the slang and that's all I need to do because maybe sometimes I'm failing because I don't know how to translate the things in my head. Maybe. I'll just dedicate my time to it for now by going through group chats and assimilating their talking styles into my own. I'm gonna mask soo good for real.
It's so fucking over for me. I mayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyybe shouldn't have become an officer. Fuck this shit, not my fault my voice was louder and I was more confident compared to all the other nominees. Just let Mr. Auditor take my job, bye. I'm not even in the friend group of officers anyways L.O.L.!!! We had a meeting for some organization or something with officers from every highschool grade level and shit man I'm like an impostor. What ever >:/
Biggest event today: New Seating Arrangements. That was also the worst event today. I am so far from him I swear on my life. Whatever he OH SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED THERE WERE SO MANY THINGS PISSING ME OFF TODAY I FORGOT HE GAVE ME A GUITAR PICK. Ok Cool. He is the highlight of my day but at what cost because our seats are so far apart from eachother I swear I am going to beg Ms. Ma'am for a better position like what! Like ok keep looking at me but I wish we were seatmates >:/ Legit already manifested it so IDC anymore we are seatmates. WTF I THINK I LOST THE PICK FUCK ME AND MY UNAWARENESS. I WAS HOLDING IT THEWHOLE DAY IT COULD ACTUALLY BE ANYWHERE. Killing ..... some one else. It's genuinely so over for me I can't feign hope anymore wtfff. Thanks for reading allat.

Gossip is the one true conntecting force of humanity; is a sentence I was prepared to never type, however
Remember how yesterday I cried about being so fucking lonely and how I was like a creep and or a weirdo or something. The latter is still true but the former isn't, wow! Me when I infiltrate the friendgroup, and me when I talk about normal teenaged girl stuff. I still have awkward tagalog and maybe I mumble a bit but it's fine idc. What's the point if I don't embarrass myself slightly while living
OK so today was a fumble in terms of Enrico I legitimately fumbled the bag. Probably. I started off fumbling the bag today by making it obvious. IDC I was feeling it in the moment. The teacher made all the boys do a dance with one girl cause its her birthday (she says "study first" then ships people like which side are you on) and erm! You know. So it got out. Then I made a fool of myself in a voice call. Image above shows the main event I one hundred percent remember. My posture is so shit. But they really haddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd to ask him that. Why!! Like ok but WHY!! It's over
Btw, the friends I visited were chill. We were supposed to practice for the drum and lyre competition but because the ukulele they brought couldn't be tuned, we fooled around. As you can clearly get from the paragraph above. I had to drop the bomb on them that I didn't have tiktok because youtube shorts are already rotting my brain every hour I spend on them so why would I have that. We still made some anyways and talked shit about people and I was reminded that not everyone is friends even if they act nice around eachother whoops. First time in 3 years I'm in a social situation guys
We talked shit about Mico, AKA That Guy for the earlier entries, and nah he was legitimately throwing around the rumour that I was his GF or something. Because I was nice to him. Okay, go off queen :-| I got confirmation that he just lies for no reason too. He had no chance I swear
NAKAKAPUUUUUUUUTANG INAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NVM. How am I supposed to go to school tomorrow. I live in a cheesy book about highschool but at what cost. My dad's angry cause I didn't do the thing he asked me too plus I didn't ask for permission before going out, fair but give me this it was my first time in a WHILE. (Rant about that VC with E ahead) But at what fucking cost because I mean like we both knew but also it was unsaid. It was supposed to be unsaid. I'm not that mad because we already lowkey knew but it needs to be left unsaid so everything is normal. Ok??? TYTY FOR GETTING THROUGH THAT.

Ok first of all is there legitimately something wrong with this. With my cycle of a good day and a bad day. If you look through my past entries it's like good then bad then good. Nice binary, think about what lies outside, idiot. I know but!! Maybe this is what happens when you're new to life IDK. I'm newer than everyone because covid stunted me baddd. That's my scapegoat but idc it's true! Quote, there is a biological reason why you feel sad after extreme happiness, so maybe because I finally got kicked outside of my little hole small joys are now the peak of everything and my brain runs out of dopamine or something.
Yesterday was great but it wasn't. Bad things include: 1, my dad going cold shoulder mode because I made a mistake and 2 my friends telling Enrico and fucking things up. Maybe I should have kept it a secret (Objectively better probably because it would leave them curious but at that point I just wanted to use it to get a common interest and make friends. It was successful but at what cost? That cost being:) because they tollllllldddddddddd and now it's weirdddddddddddddd. After ranting to Nyssa I finally figured out why I was so sad over him not interacting with me at all after said event. It's understandable to feel sad but I am in the dumps brother. It's because lowkey I could be more myself around him than anyone else outside of my singular internet-brain-fried friend (Nyssa). I'm not going to go back to our DMs to check but I know I could talk more in a stereotypically guy way (and he'd still like me afterwards) but also not fully englishero mode. Here's the thing: I'm probably having that average identity crisis people go through but even if english is my default, I'm also a filipino too you know!! So I have the urge to talk in my mother tongue and I can be like that with him (Sorry to Nyssa but I don't wanna scare them off). He's just a person that I could talk to that I KNOW likes me even if I'm a little strange. I miss that! FUCK
So today was definitely shitty because okay miss calm down he hasn't spoken in one day but it definitely feels over. Even though maybe it isn't. On top of that, Vice President. I'm sure you people are familiar with her. GOD, we have a play and I was worried about being uninvolved because of the VP and her little group. That thought was sooooo true you don't even know. Even if I got Ms. President middle name Akeisha to tell her I wanted to be in the Props Department (I still wanna be a secondary character tho) she did not list me. She's messing with me. So that was my breaking point and I went into the bathroom and I took off my glasses because I was tired, Legit. Insert the thing about my dad and the girl scout thing that pushed me to crying while laughing because its absurd in a bedroom
Anyways OK I'm not crazy anymore. Bro DMed me except now I'm suspicious. What if my mom is right and my guy is playing me. Suspicious era. I'm acting up in his dms because aint no wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. #A #Little #Mean era. I don't know what I'm doing.
Wow, you got through that! The award is over there (Thanks for reading engraved in metal)

I don't even know anymore. The good-bad cycle has been disproven (fickle evidence to support that anyways) because today has been mid. Bad. Sad, even.
Yesterday my mom and I talked about it then we went to starbucks. I then watched a musical (TGWDLM) halfway through before going to bed. That was good. My mom said "I have a feeling even if you learn tagalog you won't be able to connect with your peers because the knowledge gap is too wide. Just like your dad" Okay maybe this is something else. Like something in our brains was wired differently if you know what I'm alluding to.
Today though? WHATEVERRRRRRRRR!!! I'm just glad it's a Friday because I'm not about to go back to school. What is the point of staying there from 6 AM to 2 PM if there's no learning going on. Fuck that shitttt. To expand on that things with my peers IDK. I actually don't know with them. My mom is right I shouldn't take this Enrico thing so seriously. I heard a very explicit rumour so like ok I'm not gonna pretend im NOT [reddddddacted] but also. If that was true wtf? There is no way. And I am saying this seriously. BUt if it was true then erm.
I don't know whats up with my peers anymore man. Not like I ever knew!!! I don't have the energy to detail every little microagression i experienced today just trust me that It Was Mid.
Re: Enrico; Late night update edition. OK so why would I care that much. Why should I play mind games. IDK because the constant thought that my charm (I'll just say rizz at this point) is through the roof when i dont care, then okay? Just don't care. Or care in a different way, because even if there is no reciprocation he'd be a good friend lowkey! At least better than kramer I swear
It's nearing my friend Nyssa's birthday and she's alluding to the friendgroup the three of us used to have and all the good times spent together. Homegirl I know I'm sad too that those times are gone and that you can't celebrate your birthday with your bffsies at the mall anymore but..... I don't know if I'm being too harsh but it's just dead and done. Genuinely. Maybe I'll DM him for you and we'll see if we hit it off but he's a bit much. For me! I say I miss having close friends and the opportunity is maybe right there but like damn. I kinda don't want to though? I take one look at the vent channel in the server and I am out lol bye :c TG/Mico is also a friend of his so like. My brother in christ I have beef with him it's awkward
Thanks for getting through that! The prize is a gold star saying you di dit :party:
LATE LATE NIGHT UDATE: Its 1am now.

Wag kana dyan. Wag mokong ganyanin RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I have pinoy in my eyes

I don't want to depict anything I've went through today through comic form so have this animation I cooked up over the weekend!! YAY!!!
It's like for my character development or whatever but FUCK!!! This is what happens when you start with the ukulele for your stringed instrument journey because I embarrassed the fuck out of myself in front of him by not knowing... what a fret.... was..... HAHAHAHAHA IT'S OVER. Like, my brother in Christ was trying to teach me it and then gave up after a minute and turned around and stared into the distance. Later, when we had to go into a line (I wasn't sure if I had to go to mine yet) he said "Don't you have somewhere to go to?" (I was blocking the way) and then a minute after that when I was confused about my line again he asked me about it. Truly you are KILLING ME WITH WHAT YOU'RE DOING. At least I don't have to be as obssessed anymore because I've noticed him being close with Mr. Auditor AKA my mutual enemy so OK. Whatever
It is back though. It's over then it's back albeit I'm not that insane anymore because we had to sit next to eachother while the Supreme Student Government election was happening (Archers vs Royal; Archers ftw lol). RED FLAG!!! HE WAS SEARCHING PANDA DUNKS HIGH ON GRAILED!!!! Anyways the awkward contact was cool. That reminds me I have to laminate this student go card piece of paper whoops.
I just always have a problem with the VP and her posse. The insane jester one because they make fun of others instead of themselves!!! It's not really like that too, which is unfortunate. I don't think I really see bullies being depicted in media having non-bully fun with eachother so when it happens in real life whatever!! I'm hesitant to even put that label on them but I don't even know anymore. Akeisha and Enrico are close with them or at least closer than me because I don't think they'd recreationally talk to me within a seven mile pole. It's hard because they're like. The main social group in class. Fine ma and pa I can socially enrich myself with friends outside of that group but since they're The Group they HAVE to be involved with the performance tasks AKA the biggest grade event in your life. They removed me from the props team after I reminded them 2 times I would like to be on there. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the hell fuck you
IDK. IDK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mamatay nalang. IDC I'll get higher grades than them. Seriously when they had the gall to 'forget' to mention my name I coped by saying "Atleast I have 42 on math and 45 on science" LMAOOOOOOOO. Just give me academic validation and I'll be FINE.
Thanks for reading!

Erm, fanfic moment? Anyways I haven't updated in a while (3 days) because I've already been processing shit via audio diaries and at that point it is redundant to write a whole entry here. HOWEVER. MAJOR DEVELOPMENTS!!!
One, Officer Group. Nothing has changed except for the fact that I confessed to Ma'am I wanted to quit. She said she would talk to them. I mistakenly namedropped a few even though I was talking about the wholeeee group but it is what it is. Even if NOTHING has changed, in fact some things have changed for the worse (Akeisha is NOT the president anymore. VP, or should I now say Lorraine, is.), but I'm less anxious about it now. In the past (A few days ago) (I really treat every day like a new year) I would have complained about Enrico being able to be close with them (They kinda dislike me. a little) but now.. OK I guess.
Two, Enrico. What the hell! We had to do P.E. today so we got paired in groups. Of two, lol. Ain't no wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I can only describe this in detail because I have to archive this for my memory's sake but goddamn. I was contemplating asking him in the first place but I managed to get my to-be gym partner to be paired with her friend from another group and the pieces fell into place right after that (he said no to my classmate wanting to be paired with him). Then we had to go into standby and his homie gave him a little pep talk. OK! Then we did the passing ball thing and he shot the ball into the hoop but failed the first time. It's OK he aced the second time and I reallly had to clap. Like did I reallllly have to do that? Yes. Also, I'm in girl scout. CONS: I don't get to be anything much more than a husk in those 2 hours of every day practice (I know I'm lutang/out of it and that's why the others are treating me in a condescending manner like I'm not there but I'd want to try more if y'all weren't like that damn. Should've engaged when I was engaged); PROS: I get a break from school during school by not having to be more than that. Maybe I'd quit but my mom already spent two thousand or so pesos to get me in here so that'd be a waste. This is related because we had to do a dance. And all my classmates saw it because it was time to go home at that point but we were still practicing.

Yes I did wave I don't even know anymore. That dance was goooooooofy as fuck I swear we had a part where it was "It's our love that will survive" including your hands doing the heart symbol because of course. Kramer really had to flex on me that him and his crush(MU highkey) were goofing around hahahahh wait live reaction bro dmed me. IDEK anymore the day of reckoning is tomorrow (Card Day) so that's it i'm done for if I get a grade below 90. I already know I'm honors but if I get a grade like 89 in a subject it's fucking OVER for me. Thanks for reading that :heart:

Okay. My GPA is 91.6. My lowest subject was english at 90 (SOMEHOW) and my highest was Araling Panlipunan at 93 (SOMEHOW). What else is there to say? This is, again, my first year back in school. I could type up a storm about how I want to do better and blah, blah, blah but I'm not in the mood right now. Maybe later but right now?? What the hell am I doing all alone on a Saturday night!! I am so tired of socializing in real life but messaging people is such a drag. I'm tired of my old friend group, I don't know why I came back. Maybe it was the tiny feeling of hope I could go back to the good old days when we were close buds but I swear. WE CAN NOT GO BACK EVER. Please it is dead and under six feet so stop beating the dead ass horse. I am about to complain so warning, but I am really tired of the "I am a loser" talk. I don't know, I know he can't help it and his life experiences have lead him up to this point but omfg "once a loser always a loser you catch my drift?" please I KNOW we are in highschool but I am about to send your ass to the B list movies for talking like that about yourself. A real person, not a nerd stereotype or whatever ohhh my godddddd. I know this is ALSO a symptom of something and I wish I could say I feel bad for being such a hater right now but this is my website. You don't need to apologize for everything damn! I know it's a kinda sad outlook on life to be like "Cut out all the people who don't serve any purpose" but you know. I have alot I want to say to him, like "Just try to speak tagalog more I promise people won't care if your accent is slightly off" or generally things of that constructive nature so maybe I should but I can kind of feel the self pity "I can't change myself" already. Why should I waste my energy here?
Okay, rant about my friend (This should be called the Isaiah retrospective at this point lol) over. I recently read something (journalling personal feud) and it put my thoughts into words. Not sure if I'll ever stop dramatizing my current emotions with diary entries, but I agree with it for real. My brain treats every day like a new year. Not the best personality trait, but maybe I should take more advantage of that by not dwelling on the goddamn past so much. THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST!!!! Basically. #Working on the #now or something. I haven't touched on this but I am manifesting girlie for real. Neville Goddard or something. Batshit way to end an entry but I feel like stopping here. Kramer lives here and I went outside for a bit because I saw his goofy ass. He ran away from me though. Thanks for getting through my deranged rants! I hope to see you stick around for whatever comes next. I was planning on a site revamp but the basic format works perfectly for me right now so I don't really... feel like it.
Update: It's like a few hours later. Snapped a few pics of him flipping me off (Lowkey I looked like some sort of stalker but it's funny) and yeah I still feel lonely buttt it is what it is and this is bound to change soon. This is what happens when it's the weekends

I'm insane. Anyways wow first second quarter update and it's very fitting that this is the FIRST day I have a normal class. On a day where there's CL. THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING!!!!
Normal class as in uninterupted classes without any special breaks. This is my respite from the two or so weeks of it being homeroom all day. Wtf. Apparently our exams are either going to be next month or on January... we just started what are you SAYING. I'm referencing CL (Cooperative Learning. ???) here because it's basically more homeroom but at least that was always in the schedule for Tuesdays. I'm complaining because the only thing to really do on those days is socialize because I am not a part of the it group and they're in charge of all the class projects and the class friend events but I try not to care about the latter. Yesterday, we didn't even have normal classes because the Fire Department showed up to do a demonstration/presentation. Wow did the demonstration not go to plan. You should have seen the toxic fumes being inhaled by all of the students (some even being sent to the infimary lol). They were calling on people to put out a fire they set inside a container using a fire extinguisher but the wind blew it all in our faces.
Today was FINE. OKAY. SWELL EVEN, I love my life! It started out kind of ok because Enrico needed help with his homework so bonding time there ez gg, then I started out cracking answers in AP like a god. But in the middle it got worse because I was all up in my #Loner business and it all came crashing down because in Filipino we had to give out our opinions on things and I kept thinking "Hey if I knew how to speak in tagalog I would be acing this thing." Sad, but I guess I just need to learn. I swear I said "Nasan yung trash can" today like omfg just say basurahan. I should just own my conyo girl swag at this point. I should take note of the fact that my voice keeps going quiet because I'm unsure what to say next/I think my accent is weird. Then I went walking around my small campus and I just chilled out in a bathroom.
MAPEH is probably the highlight though. It stands for Music, Arts, Physical Education and Health and it's my favourite subject. Or at least the teacher is the most enjoyable since she just treats us like equals (almost) and you get to have good discussions in her class. Last quarter we had to talk about sexuality and gender in class so NOT that enjoyable but now we're talking about relationships!! YAY!!! Or at least that's what I was expecting until the teacher made a segue to self harm and yeah that's the "context" behind todays comic. I would have given a weirdly specific answer anyways so? Still should've done it for the grades :broken_heart:
It got better when she FINALLY talked about relationships and asked the class to spill the beans about how their parents met. She asked Enrico then said "Would you copy how your dad courted your mom" and then it became really cheesy fast!!!! Ranze, Kass and Akeisha were staring at me and I'm so glad I'm getting the "You two..??" stare because yay external affirmation but i'm glad it's not from the whole class (It does happen. #Ashyienso and #Kaidrew. REAL PERSON FANFICTION HAHAHAHA) because apparently they think I'm gay as fuck!! Ranze said it's cause 1. I introduced myself as Andrew to everyone during day one, 2. My facebook account has the name Andrew instead of my real name. OK glad that's a (half) misunderstanding. Darn my bad hearing but I think what was said was something along the lines of:
Ma'am: So are you going to use these methods with a girl you like?
(I forgot but it was lowkey) E: Yes
M: Do you have a crush in the class??
E: Yes
And so and so. El Em Ay ouchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! aray jusko po lord!!!!!!!!
Then in english we had out loud reading (Or two people had out loud reading and the rest were stuck listening. GOD FUCK THAT SHIT) and Ranze sat beside me and good thing. He used to be my classmate way back when and he was that annoying troublemaker kid but now he's chill maybe cause he had his awakening or something. We were reminiscing about the fact that we both used to have an artistic rivalry or something. Kass was sleepy as hell so she put her head on my shoulder and Ranze asked (Based) if he could do the same and even though it could be interpreted as something else, it also couldn't because everyone knows bro is gay as fuck :skull: So I said ueah dude. Because I was pretty pleased with our talk and how I could speak english with not worrying ahaha. Not to be that guy but I swear Enrico was making selos after 0_0 Ranze said "He was shaking me like this (neck shaking motion) and said (In a joking manner) 'I will tell your bf lol'"
TALK TO ME. According to Akeisha we both want to talk to eachother but he doesn't know what topics. Me too. OK. I am a chronic seener so obviously horrible for my social life (sorry to akeisha I keep leaving her on read. same with enrico) but I am too tired. Mail me instead so the reply times are expected to be longer!! Also according to akeisha lil bro could not sleep a wink yesterday because he was up all night thinking about me. This was after she sent me a screenshot of him saying "she's so pretty goddamn (sent at 10:28 PM)". OKAY
IDK I should probably just get better at tagalog. I mean ewan ko magaaral nalang ako ng tagalog. Salamat sa pagbabasa :p I'll probably make a lore page soon because I know I'll love describing real people like ocs but I should probably start working on the art page

My dumbass saw the 28 date here and the 21 date on the last entry and thought, "What... HAS IT ONLY BEEN A WEEK SINCE THEN?!!"
No, it's been one month and one week since then, holy shit. My perception of time is fucked. Alot has happened since then (Glasses have changed) and I'm sad I lost my updating streak. I'm back with a ton of news though!! I swear I remember updating about my newfound friends cutting my hair but apparently not, so that happened. Also I don't know if this was ever mentioned but I did make up with my older friend group (Yeah with the guy I shittalked about sending me a letter detailing heavy thoughts) and we're doing great I guess. Swear to god he has a girlfriend now but it's a little questionable :-I I guess I'm cultivating groups of friends, the one with Akeisha and the one with Kass (The girls who cut my hair) but it's quite shaky because I physically cannot bring myself to message people. More on that later! There was also girl scouts in which I experienced hell, most of it can be boiled down to I don't Know how to be around... girls? This one other secretary from a different section had a closer bond with the upperclassman girl and I was forced to see her and my ex-best friend interact. She's a part of the Akeisha friendgroup so I thought we would find common ground but I wasn't built for that I guess! My parents entertained moving to Canada for a while but they did that with Saudi Arabia and like some other countries so I can't really take that seriously. But if it were, then I'm fucked LMAO!

That was from December 3 and it's very, very funny in hindsight. Below this is the fanfic moment mentioned in the comic. LOLLLLLLLL!!! I'm glad our first meeting outside of school went well and wasn't that awkward because we had the, y'know, scooter to keep us occupied. Looking back on my delusional rants from October, so much has changed since then lol out loud

I guess he became nicer after that and you know, it continued for a while until the very underwhelming christmas party. I was afraid it'd end up like the last party we had, because back then I had like no close friends. It was a combination of a me and a them problem because I was lowkey sliding around the class finding someone to talk to and at one point I kind of felt weird about being in the group of boys (would come as a shocker for covid me) and it awkwardly ended with me and Enrico awkwardly sitting beside eachother. This day was always going to be a little shitty in hindsight. I went with my Kass friendgroup to the mall and we kind of had a great day. At least until the movies in which I was asked to pay for them (1000ish pesos) and they couldn't find their I.D.s which were needed. We eventually were let in right when the movie started and 2 hours in they ask me to leave early. What ahout the money I spent to get us here? In fairness it was kind of shitty.
So at that point I was feeling pretty bad and they were like "Okay we're leaving" and I forgot that my parents weren't there to pick me up so.. Apparently they were already fighting and so they blew up on me and pretty questionable things were said but past is past!!! I was subsequently grounded, leaving me very very miserable- so much so that I relapsed into old ways and couldn't regcognize myself in the mirror (hence COVID me making a comeback), up until Christmas anddddddd I was greeted with a full on paragraph confession from Enrico. Trust me I would not have left that on delivered for a day if I knew it was gonna be more than a simple Christmas Greeting 😭 I did respond with a paragraph too but i dunno!! I swear to god my insecurities are getting in the way like crazy. I wish I could be sarcastically detatched about it and say "Man, he plays fortnite and watches insta reels I don't really have anything to impress" but if sisyphus 55's so you have a crush is right then I have a crush on him because he's a reflection of my unrealized ideals and values. Said values most likely being he's the average charismatic extrovert who gets along with everyone. That is definitely not me and I wish it were. GOD, if I could fit in better into this class.
If I could fit in better with my peers in general. I know, embrace who you are, you don't need to change, blah blah blah.. I don't know man it's kind of miserable. By just saying "I'm different" (lol) I may manifest it into life but I SWEAR!! I don't know this but I also inherently know my life's trajectory was way different from everyone else's. I grew up english speaking. My parents say, "But we speak tagalog to you", forgetting that I didn't ever need to code-switch. Therefore I developed passive bilingualism, in which someone understands but can't speak the second language. I think in english now, so you can see how that can be Inherently Different from the average Filipino. In my earlier school years I exclusively spoke english which yes, lead to me weeding out all the people I could be chronically online with (three people), but also limited who I could really get close to. Then COVID hit and for a few years the 3 IRLs (Became 2...) I talked with were all I really had. So I became more chronically online (2021 discord mod on a large server) and everyone moved on without me!! I understand, mom, that the world was also in a lockdown but I have a feeling that everyone else had more people from school to talk to than my duo. Then I couldn't enroll last grade so the first year where there wasn't any lockdown was basically irrelevant to me. Everyone else got to develop their social skills and friendships though :/
So now we're in the present and I have to pretend, almost, like I already got what everyone else had and now all of this is invading my ability to really be with Akeisha's group. And yes Enrico too. Them specifially because they're almost like me in how much they were exposed to the internet but they all probably think in tagalog. Concise way of saying I feel like they're more filipino and more socially involved and developed comparing to me. This is fucking me up soooo bad lmao! Enrico has been messaging me ALOT lately (Bro he even calls me pookie wookie bear oh my god bruh) but I'm either leaving it on read or delivered. Sorry babygirl I'm fighting demons right now :100: It just makes me feel a little worse about myself whenever he speaks english to me but kinda codeswitches when talking to other people. I'll try to bloom into myself this 2024 but right now these insecurities are kicking my ass. I heard he used to be a quiet transferee kid and then I guess changed for the better last year so if he can then I can. Except the hurdle I have to cross may be how I'm just built differentttttt yaaay that's a good thing right
Thanks for getting through that if you did. Hopefully I'll update more next year! If my upcoming restricted time online doesn't affect me

Is it just ME or has this past YEAR been emotionally draining??! :P Very funny! But also seriously why has this break been the worst thing that's happened to me? I'm rereading through my older entries and I think I peaked during the time I DIDN'T UPDATE. It was definitely a mistake not to update but hey at least I have pictures in my phone to remind me how good I had it. I changed my glasses and my hair and suddenly my life got way better?? Holy HOW?! Something about me back then genuinely just was different. I WISH I COULD HAVE THE INNOCENT SPARK IN MY EYES DECEMBER ME HAD!!! It literally all went downhill as soon as I was grounded for doing a major-ish mistake. That car ride just broke something in me and Okay fine you guys were angry at me because you were angry at eachother and I shouldn't mind the words spoken then now but come on that HAD to permanently alter the newfound spirit I gained from being back in school and feeling GOOD about it! I didn't really expand on what I was like during those few days but I relapsed into old ways I swear to god. Full on 2022 me mental illness. I understood then why I was scared of the mirror all those years ago! I know something good will come later to me but this rough patch has been so hard for me. I wondered out loud where I got my defeatist mindset from and he immediately replied "yeah yeah I'm aware of my own flaws" then I guess we both laughed about that. It was kind of comforting to know where some of my behaviours came from though because I swear to god when I'm bad I'm awful! I can go through my peak and then suddenly christmas break starts and I become who I was in 2022. Which is two years ago now. And then I try to forget about that godawful week after the christmas party as soon as I think it's over, and I say to myself "Wow glad 2022 me is gone now and I'm back to who I was before all of this, wow I love myself and I'm so confident!" and then the external forces get to me and I'm back on my self destructive behaviour. It's actually really scary because I could cause serious harm to myself if I'm left alone and going a little emotionally overboard. I can't say "Oh man wow my upbringing was good compared to other people I know why do I cope like this" and move on at this point because my coping mechanisms are legitimately worse than my issues? I don't know. For a while school allowed me to kind of not have to deal with emotionally charged lectures with my parents but this month I've had to come back to that and I've forced myself to start one or two of those in the name of speaking about or issues or something. I'm definitely coming back to school a little different and not in a good way. We're going back to school on January 8. I almost wish a break never happened because I think I felt the most sane in December, pre-break.
Here's an excerpt from the long rant I posted onto reddit because I didn't have anywhere else to talk lol:
Will I always be who I was during covid? Back then I only had two people from the real world to talk to. Now I wish I had none so that I wouldn't be able to disappoint these new connections I'm "developing." I was about to say "Hey guys, don't judge me based on how I was during the pandemic, I'm different now" but based on how I just went back to old behaviour maybe not LOL! I will always be a little girl stuck in its room too involved in the internet to care and now I'm so socially behind it's funny!
So yeah maybe I shouldn't feel bad if I don't reply to whoever or whatever. Sorry guys I'm just fighting demons right now! A day after writing that reddit post I don't feel like I identify with it as much so let's just hope this trend continues and I can be back on my confidence shit just in time for school because this break has. Broken. me LOL!!!!! Very funny. I haven't talked to my friends since last year!!
P.S. the restricted time is true and I only have an hour a day guaranteed, maybe 2 if I maintain """good behaviour""" and maybe 3+ if I do something extraordinary or whatever. Typing that out made me physically ill bruh i swear to god it's literally 2024 I do not have the time to deal with that oh my god bruh what the hell urghhhhhh yeah I'm not going to be back on my confidence shit I wish I were the external forces though
Is it I wish this break never happened or do we go back further and say I wish I never came back from homeschooling so I would never know how good I could be having it?? The inner shadow journal person in me says to analyse all of these inherently negative statements about myself because I know I can do better or whatever but I'm too tired right now!! I guess I'll be always emotionally tired anyways these days
This entry is very tonally different so thanks for getting through that lol. Let's hope for good things to happen at school and I'll be there to document all of it

ME WHEN I'M SCARED AF!!! My live reaction to not wanting to go back to school tomorrow. My I.D. is missing and I barely have my things ready but we are so back.
Since there isn't really anything going on right now we're going to be focused on what I've been thinking instead of what's been happening. Is it just me or do I have this tendency to try and process events happening to me by talking to other people? Maybe it's because I've been stuck inside of myself for so long (Like everyone!! But I think COVID and the internet amplified that feeling for me), or maybe I just like talking about myself. Clearly, if you look through my website consisting of me talking to you/myself. Maybe I'll become one of those late night talk people on youtube or host video diaries (not necessarily a vlog) there because I really do want an audience I can bounce off of I guess?
Oops, that also reminded me about my tendency to overshare. Even if I'm not the type of person to be mysterious there are some personal things that need to be left unsaid. Except in the freedom of neocities where I'm pretty sure nobody in my grade is checking. So that brings me to Akeisha and her finally moving on from a guy she used to be so hung up over! The wake up call for her was this horrendous profile picture he changed to:

Looks kind of like that. I'm NOT even exaggerating the jawline!! How much mewing is too much mewing?! That alongside the coconut ass haircut (described by Akeisha as a clothes ironer) seemed to do it for her and she proceeded to say in my DMs "I've FINALLY MOVED ON FROM HIM!!!!"

Good for her but "WALANG MATINO SA MUNDO NA TO THIS IS ACTUALLY SO HORRIFYING" (There are no sensible/proper guys in this world this is actually so horrifying) alongside her tiktok reposts about those wake up calls about your crush is kind of rubbing off of me, which is concerning. I'm too deep into this now and it would be weird to kill it off right now (all the people I want to be close with are already closer to him) but it'd also be shitty if I let it die slowly but it is what it is what am I going to do about all of this now. Oh my god why do I have to go to school tomorrow.
On a lighter note I did DM Mr. Newly Changed Profile Picture about the change because I was curious and apparently it was a dare and he was paid 1000 pesos for it. Which, fair. Here are some excerpts I think are kind of funny

I wonder why I still try to hide my age even though it's kind of obvious at this point. I've already seen another filipino teen on neocities lay out their FULL BIRTHDAY (cool site btw) but that's questionable behavior so out of principle I won't. How old do you think I am??

You know your day at school was good when it was marginally better than your day at home. Today's comic is shitty because I was banned from using devices so please bear with me right now HAHAHAHA. I'm going to explain it a little because without context and with this shitty artstyle it's impossible to really get the full picture. First of all yeah that is my 'real' name. Even though I still like Andrew for online purposes my real name is definitely growing on me (would be a shocker to me last year). During assembly today they mentioned my name and like 4 people looked at me and I just love that my name is common enough to be mentioned but distinctive enough for people to look at me if my name is ever mentioned if that makes sense. So my teacher called me over and I honestly don't even know why because I didn't even have to do anything but she just complimented the hell out of me. She was saying things like "Summer did you know you're so cool and also you should eat more cause you're so thin right now." It sounds weird if I type it out but I appreciate that she just did that. Ms. Kristine is the top tier teacher ever! Then she called Enrico for some reason and I looked at her with a raised eyebrow and she goes "Haha it's not about you" because you know. We're lowkey you know.
So the two figures in the background are my two trio besties (We will get to them later) and they kind of interviewed me about it. Honestly though the juicier information came from Ranze who told me things like "I think Ms. Kristine knows because she was looking through Enrico's notebook and she found my name at the back (Ranze and I vandalized it at one point) and she asked him "Who's Summer? :winking_emoji:" and then Makhea overheard and she said "Ma'am they're DATING!! (Or MU)". It's fucking spreading I swearrrrr. A classmate of mine (Enzo) and Enrico were like playfighting or whatever and Enzo was like "Summer oh look what he's doing".. it's probably not going to reach Kaidrei levels of class shipping (hope it doesn't) but I have a feeling it's spreading.
I've been deliberating on myself and in class I came to the conclusion that I have inherent value as who I currently am. I know, shocker (sarcasm) but I always have these thoughts where I just think "I'm a little strange socially and I need to change that and be better at conversing and whatnot" and while that may be true it doesn't mean I should put myself down for it. It's like, what if people ENJOY my presence because I'm a little different? I don't know. Ranze wouldn't just come over to me and talk if I didn't really offer anything, etc etc. Sometimes I still think to myself "Oh my god bruh am I dumb? Hello? Any social knowledge in here?" especially when talking to people outside my circle but it is what it is. I don't think they really care so I probably shouldn't. 'It takes two to tango' referring to social situations has also helped me because yeah if I perceive a one to one conversation to be awkward sometimes it isn't my fault. I still have a problem with messaging (I left this girl on delievered for a week and she's kind of looking at me and I feel guilty because she's really nice but I just can NOT message people) and I'm gonna blame some of it on my limited time. How am I going to immediately reply if I physically can't :-(
So back to my trio friends, today they went over to my house and we goofed around. I hate to even mention feeling like the odd one out at this point because I'm lowkey fine with it. IDK! We had a good time just going around my subdivision and hanging out at the playground. I'm kind of like the clueless one of the group because honest to god yeah but :-( Otherwise it was fine. It's 1AM right now and I wake up for five but I took a godawful nap and woke up at 10PM so I should be fine. I'm doneeee trying to explain what happpened in detail. Thanks for reading!

My past self was cooking when they said 'I treat every day like a new year' because it's just true. It feels like every day has NO connection to the last like some sort of episodical show when obviously that's not true.. My life is becoming more and more eventful now though so that's cool? First day back (last entry), my trio friends hung out at my house (is it just me or have none of my other trio friends [getting to them later] done that ever) and we went to the playground and yadda yadda, yesterday we went to McDonalds after school and it was pretty great but I got scammed on the way home by a tricycle driver. I literally should've said tulay instead of the subdivision that screams "If a child asks to commute there it's free range to scam them" BRO. He even asked if it was my first time urghhhhhh 😐 It was though. So I shouldn't really blame myself?
Another notable event that happened outside of school was me hanging out with one of my OG trio buddies (Nyssa) and also an old classmate. It was pretty cool because with them I could just take off the mask or whatever but notably I still really had to urge to speak in tagalog because #yes!! I was called because Nyssa's parents were not on terms but she had to interview people about relationships for a school project and she wanted me to be an actor. We did a skit, Gab(riel) was the girlfriend and I was the boyfriend and we had to power through alot of retakes because we kept bursting out laughing. The final cut still had some of that so we just voiced crying over it and pretended like we were sobbing. Gab said to me "It's okay if they don't like you cause Nyssa and I don't really talk to people that much in class".. Okay. I get what he's trying to say to comfort me because I was ranting about thinking that people generally didn't like me then but I don't know if I agree with the sentiment. Cause I really don't want to be limited? to one subgroup of people or the other. My dad and I had a discussion about that and he was like "Yeah one of my life's mottos is to have friends in high and low places" (In this same discussion he said "Stop saying 'i'm built different'. I am. You're not." so uh) which is cool and probably something I will do or maybe have already done. People's lore is actually really interesting btw because I got this one guy to open up to me about his girlfriend with the simple question "How did you pull her??" (My guy constantly gets called acoustic 😭) and it was honestly kind of goofy but go off king. It was as healthy as a relationship as two people their age can get to at this point but it was sweet im ngl! He is genuinely head over heels like this dude geeks out when EVER bro I swear. Good for them! In class we had a discussion about relationships or whatever and URGHHHHH DIE KILL DIE CRASH KILL DIE AGH ok I had to get that out of my SYSTEM! Going to continue this later, but during a class discussion about love and healthy relationships and courting blah blah blah it was pointed out that crushes are usually developed on 'unattainable' people which lowkey was me. If you go back to my October updates little bro could never imagine what progress I've made over like 3 months (shit wow, three months?) "He goes into my DMs every day just to flex about how he can actually make a move with the girl of his dreams and how she likes him back and blah, blah, blah. I get it, you're fortunate. Trust me I will be too just give it time. A year. Next grade will be my peak for real." A YEAR NAKNAMPUCHA HAHAHAHAH :P This is just a sign that whatever fucking happens in April fucking HAPPENS. The problem for me right now with attaining the unattainable is me feeling like I'm not good enough. Ok got vunerable there for a second but GOD DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. If having a crush is seeing no flaw in the other person then call me someone their crushless era because this fucking dude bro I swear to god oh my god!!!! Maybe people just don't hear me when I try to speak because sometimes it feels that way? I don't know how he used to be a quiet kid and what changed that in just a year as a transferee but I hope whatever happened to him happens to me too. I have the feeling I can be a goofy extroverted person if given the chance. Give it time and give me a chance, please
So I also had a pretty good conversation with Enrico's friend (as good as a conversation gets with an honest to god teenaged boy) and he keeps telling me that Enrico's too shy to make a move on me which is why I have to. Man, okay! To me he's literally lowkey the epitome of confidence or at least charisma so idk why lil bro is hesitating I mean god fucking damn I am throwing hints if you can even call them those at this point out the fucking wazoo.. but if his bffsie of all time is saying that then who am I to think otherwise? God it feels like him and Akeisha have been at my school for a few years but they've transferred here last year. If they can do it I can too!! The reason people are a little #cold to me is probably because I'm just new. Other than my self perceived social ineptitude but we'll get there. I'm a little glad I wasn't there for last year based on everyone's lore though. Especially Enricos oh my days I better interview him about it someday cause I've been HEARING. shit
Taking mistakes as opportunities for growth or whatever this year. Mistakes: -ESP presentation gagi -Social faux pas that I won't get into however I did hear Makhea and some other girl talk about it behind my LITERAL back. Girls I can hear you. I will never repeat that mistake again however. They'll probably move on to the newest thing cause if we're being honest who gives a shit about me (haha appreciate the fans talking tho 🙄). Lol
Anyways it's been a while since I geeked out so feel free to compare these cool #moments to the "I'm never goddamn ending up with him" I was on about a few months ago!
Lil bro bought me ice cream twice, first time I was with Kass and Zyrelle (Trio gang, dragged them because I overhead Enrico and Eoin [Pronounced Owen HAHAHAHA] wanted to go) and I rizzed bro up with the stupid line on the ice cream cone. Second time it was just him me and Eoin and Eoin was highkey hyping Enrico up to make a move and was also saying questionable comments along the way. I'm not saying Eoin has fiddled with the diddle (i'm saying that) but my man was online dating on discord and was saying shit like "wow hes getting you an ice cream in a few years youll be getting his" And that's where this stops. Oh my god bruh. But what's good about the second one is that
Also in school. Class even. But I will probably never repeat like that boldness or kaya the "malandi"ness LOL. Stawpp us newgen Boys stick togetherrrr (is about to blow)
I don't feel like typing out a wholeass paragraph on this topic right now but maybe the reason why these days I'm so quick to hate myself is cause I'm judgemental as hell or maybe it's the opposite way around. Not in like an "Ugh this girl is such a pick me hrrrmph" stereotypical way but in the other stereotypical way where it's "bro I do NOT want to be one of those loner kids ew". I don't know man, I hear vents from my original trio (More specifically from the guy who sent me that vent letter 😦) about how they're so lonely and nobody really likes them man I hate being a loserrrr like OK. If there's one thing my life shouldn't get to it's probably that. I overheard this one girl Angel (her name) talk about me because we were classmates at one point and she said "she used to be my best friend" which I honestly don't remember at all lol! This is relevant because she was/is on the top of whatever social hierarchy is going on in here. Ranze said he viewed me back then as one of those popular kids which is interesting! Pluh I was full englishero back then idk how I survived. I'm not about to just drop these people from my life but you know, new year expanded life or whatever. If I gave a life update to the me from November 2022 lil bro would never believe me not in a million years. Pre-school-return me in 2023 would also be very confused. Thanks for reading through allat, here's some art for you :D

So this little bitch is gossipping about me or something on facebook, (yeah i know) and honestly I wouldn't really give that much of a shit because to be honest WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU but today I just realized the implications. Mom I know there are fourty four people in class but when they all know eachother and already have their own little groups it feels like there's only 12. And anyways even if lil Ms. "Oh my god this secretary wants all the attention on her does she think she's the president ew wtf"

talks shit about me, again, I couldn't care less. Outside of the friends you have in school honestly what do you have going for you like academically? Bitch I'm literally going to Japan on February and I'm going to Canada for college or maybe even senior highschool don't touch me! But it's hard to think that when people are lowkey acting condescending to me and talking behind my literal back. My parents are questioning why I ignore my school messages and okay, fair those are for my academics but I kind of want to separate home and school life a little. Anyways, this year I want to get closer to the people who actually matter (Like Akeisha (which is happening) and Enrico and Kass and etc). I also want to excel academically but honestly with my quiz scores not right now... bawi nalang next qtr po :-P It's easy to talk shit back about these people since I have the easy hit of being academically more adept but with the Vice President she's like the final boss because she has a lot of friends AND excels academically. It's so weird to see who gets accepted into which clique because this one transferee in my class who immediately got inducted into the it group. Akeisha definitely isn't a Part of it even though she's the extroverted type and I don't know why. I have ever the slightest feeling they're talking about me because Enrico and I are being cringe in class if you know what I mean. LOLLLLLL SELOSAN MUCH DEJK

Last entry damn was I hating 😭 Not looking forward to bringing more of that energy in my life cause malding is really a bad look
Dunno if I want this entry to be more just me writing down the things that happened to me or more the usual of me being an introspective asshat. I have a lot to think about these days but i no no wanna :c I've been doing pretty good as a leader in the props team for our school play. I had a Heathers phase at one point in my life but I don't remember getting into other musicals heavily, but even then WOW MUSICAL!!! Except the writer doesn't know how to write for a play specifically (she's more like a fanfic writer type) and the production is kind of ass but we DEAL. It started off horribly but now I'd say I'm doing fine. We've finished making the pillars/tree!!!

Classroom reveal I guess; We have 44 people in one class and I don't know how much the average is elsewhere but that's why we have to deal with these public school ahh chairs. We don't even have lockers here. About the pillar, the other side of it is a tree so the musical can be more interactive or whatever. I'm in the process of making a balcony and the backdrop itself. I'm glad my groupmates are people my personality is more suited to (the boys and Akeisha and Akira) cause I bet leading this team would've been even more hellish if I had to lead those clique girls. Or basically any group of girls already in a big friend group. The girls in class lowkey freak me out bruh especially that goddamn duo from the last entry of haterssss like y'all guys are already friends with eachother and I'm just here :| I guess I'll develop myself with the close friends I've already managed to make until I don't feel as "different" but at some point I just have to like. Approach people or whatever! Being different is not inherently wrong but I don't knowwww, but my "close mo nga yung door" conyo ass will understandably get spoken english at. I've been trying to frame it like "They're trying to level with you" whenever someone speaks english at me because I instinctively feel it's a little patronizing maybe because of grade school. My goofy ass will definitely NOT get treated like other people do because yeah I AM different 😭 Maybe I'm overly wary of ending up like my og trio because people deeefinitely treat their english speaking asses differently but I'll realistically end up like Akeisha. Amicable with everyone in class but close to only a few people. Not really excluded but since people naturally already gravitate to those closest to them it's inevitably going to feel that way. I haven't reached the "Amicable with everyone" part yet but observing Akeisha and seeing her go through the "not really excluded" thing makes me think because even if I reach Akeisha levels of Friendly Extrovert 🤗 that problem is still probably going to be plaguing me. Ah, the curse of being a transferee student and also a girl because there is clearly something different about being an extroverted transferee but a boy going by Enrico. Why does it come easier for boys!! Maybe I'm wrong.
Idk but I've rizzed lil bro up it's actually insane. My life is cool right now because GOD DAMN comparing the interactions I'm having with him now wink wink VS my entries before where I was saying "nah it's impossible I'm never getting with bro". Now I just have to figure out what exactly I want from here ah ha ha ha

Like hear me out because in school today I witnessed shit that would make any person think about this topic. Glad you guys are comfortable enough to do this or whatever 😭 Event one, witnessed the P.R.O. and the Treasurer kissing eachother on the lips while the Treasurer's girlfriend was looking a little upset like okay! It's not really that out of the ordinary because at this point doing that as a joke has been done quite a few times now. It's like you put hormonal teenaged boys in a room but they can't really do anything with girls so might as well blow off steam with your homies as a joke idfk ☠️ Second event, so I was like kneeling in front of the chair with Enrico and Kramer because I was writing EJ's essay for 50 pesos I never got and they offered to write it down and we were laughing like ah ha ha ha. But Enrico was kind of tweaking and he started to bite Kramer (bro I swear these boys are biting eachother in class 😭 "Summer look I gave Enrico a bite mark 😱😱 what do you think of that 😱😱") and then proceeded to kiss him on the neck?? I'd say for no discernable reason but I think (know) he started tweaking only because I was there since he isn't normally the one starting this shit 😭 It's usually Mr. Treasurer bruh I swear lil homie is exploring something Idk if this is considered normal or not in other places so I might just be typing out the fujoshi wild dream right now but it's been happening! I guess to end on a wholesome note platonically showing affection in what might be considered 🤨Strange🤨 ways before is now normal so yay for being a teenager in 2023

I'm a DEEP FEELER FR!!! So yesterday (01/25/24) I went onto a field trip and it was pretty cool. I'm listening to Drunk Drivers/Killer Whales right now and I used to think it was kind of mid but I get it now. Going through the little doodles in the drawing above, the right side is basically every bad thing that happened. Starting from the tower that was because I did wall climbing and we were gonna do rappeling afterwards but the line was too long and since I was deep in my lover girl era at that point I was looking at Enrico because we were at a sandbox and all the areas were very visible from that place. Lowkey what else was I supposed to do because people kept cutting in front of us and the line kept getting longer. The rappeling was ok though since I'm not scared of heights at all and I was rappeling like I had the roblox gravity coil and the workers commented on it like "Haha wow lol". Before all that I finished rock climbing while lil bro Andrei Mr. Auditor couldn't. Massive L!
The next two are just one in the same because I was lowkey breaking down since I (physically cringing as I type this) spilled food and a drink at the same time cuz I wasn't paying attention and this girl was like "Bruh really" cause she was about to sit down and I had to clean that shit uppppppppppp. At that point alot of people in the general vicinity were like "Summer... 😶" so that alongside the general feeling of shittiness I've been going through for the whole trip at that point I had enough and just very discreetly cried on the bus ride to the next destination (this was after the sandbox). My seatmate, who very notably was using ChatGPT to make dragon fanfiction about a dragon with her name and another one mating (I saw the word pheromones being used), didn't even notice but I was also doing it silently and I had a mask on so that might be it. I was feeling better afterwards don't worry!
The left side is the great part of the field trip btw! I hung out with Samantha and Akei at the line then erm. Ok bro so basically if you are aware of the pocky thing then you're aware. "It's hot so you'll need the electrolytes" NERD GOOFY AHH NERD
Then I held a snake and I matched with my new trio with spiderman hoodies and overall I'd say it was a good experience. The bad portion was longer than the good portion but you have to trust me it was good. Image proof below c:

What the caption says is very true. My parents had a brief discussion with me about how these days I am "badtrip or in a bad mood all the time" and it's probably being driven by the fact that I don't feel filipino enough. Maybe this is the internet's fault because I could show you a picture from 2012 of me using the home computer and everything would make sense but I don't know. My dad says I'm crying over spilled milk but the milk is everflowing i swear!!
Influence the room instead of adapting to it is something I've heard and maybe it applies to me because I swear. I somehow manage to make the people around me speak english instead of tagalog. Biggest offenders are Ranze and Kass. I guess I make them comfortable enough to let out their inner gacha kid but I don't even know. I notice it in many other people too. I should probably take this as a positive thing but the observant guy in me sees them acting different with other people and it for some reason makes me feel worse. Should I stop expecting people to be their normal selves around me? Funny that I assume that's their normal or whatever.
Unsure when I typed that last paragraph but it's 2/11/24 now. Card day is next week so I might update this again then but my exam results have been out for a while now and yahoo I'm the highest in math! 40 out of 50. Lol. I was the only one in class who didn't fail anything (only by a hair. 38 is the bare passing score which I got on ESP... I am not banal bro) but lowkey my scores are kind of low. 41? Yeah I could do better. Hopefully this third quarter I'm locking in. I better.
Me when I broke down in front of the school guidance counselor and my homeroom teacher but not my classmates because I am #epic. I know I'm emotional and my parents tell me nobody likes overly emotional people and I know that which is why I hid everything in front of my classmates. I Know :heart: I lied to them about why I was sent to guidance but I don't think they got that it was a joke that I "Punched a 7th grader cuz I got a lil mad". Okie!
Hey but at least that incident strengthened my friendship between those three. Lowkey love them now cuz now I know I can be vunerable with them. But not with teachers omfg. They're Adults so of course they won't really get it. I was forced to rant to my teacher and I got what she was saying and I know she doesn't mean any harm so I won't take it to heart but damn.. She compared me to all of the quiet kids in class, specifically the boys. She brought up Isaiah quite a bit and this one line stuck with me. "You see Isaiah always quiet and alone in class but he doesn't cry about it because he's accepted 'This is who I am!'". Er. First of all little bro definitely has a complex about that if you consider all the loser jokes he makes about himself; secondly bro I kind of want to get out of my shell. I literally need to get rid of my inherent shame caused by the fact that I don't feel filipino. Yeah being compared to the quiet kids (Why only the boys? I guess she said she only notices the boys at first since girls are usually still in their shells- her words- but damn I can name at least one girl) definitely struck a chord in me because I kind of want to avoid that fate.
I need to lock in this quarter, swear to god. LOCK ME THE FUCK INNNNNNNNN!! Also look at what I'm drawing. The nepeta drawing on my art page was actually a redraw of this thing

and this year I'm redrawing that!!!

Also I've noticed late into this website/diary I've been less inclined to update about events I would have loved to experience when I first came back into school. It's pretty awesome sauce how normal these things are becoming but maybe I should revive that childlike wonder because god knows I need it now. And spirituality